Drama queen
What, you say!! Two posts in one day!!! Has to be the laptop …
No, this is just too hilarious not to be shared right away, plus input may be valuable … So, as most of you may have known or guessed, my parents have been trying, rather unsuccessfully, to put me on the marriage market (btw, if anyone knows how to get them to give up on me, will save me a lot of pain and them a lot of time, so will be eternally grateful). So after months of finding excuses not to interact with these people , I finally caved in and agreed to speak to doctor boy conveniently located in Chicago. Thought a free dinner couldn’t hurt, plus this way I don’t have to handle the kataoing process, my parents can take care of it (would be so nice if they could break up with every man I’ve dated instead of me having to do it myself). So anyway, I take the call. In the first 30 seconds, I had to remind myself not to dismiss the guy because he just said ‘hech’ and ‘jeero’ … as someone pointed out a few days ago - the only acceptable form of snobbery is intellectual snobbery … so I decided to wait a bit to let the snobbery kick in. Thankfully, the man didn’t disappoint me - he started by extolling the many virtues of Chicago - so many Indian restaurants, Indian movie theaters, so many temples … restaurants I buy, but I’ve kind of skipped the last two (also thought I shouldn’t mention that I’d probably not be allowed in a temple because I eat way too much beef). The other virtue of Chicago was also stated to be the opportunity to enjoy ’suburban life’ - where the obvious comment would have been that that’s an oxymoron, but I resisted making it because I’d then have to explain what an oxymoron was. So, on being told that I was actually more interested in reading and the theater, man goes on to acknowledge the existence of ‘American Drama’ in Chicago!!!!!! Well, granted that the theater scene here isn’t always perfect, and I can create drama over it (ref recent post on obscene Dollhouse adaptation) … this was a little too much to take. Another major qualification this person brought to the table was the fact that he had ‘well-settled’ family in New Jersey - now, given that I’m losing my place to crash in Manhattan in a few months, a replacement would have been attractive, but New Jersey just doesn’t work - that too with sundry relatives thrown in… What I don’t get is, how after a 20 minute conversation, where there was obviously nothing in common, nothing to talk about, and where my only contribution was to make monosyllabic responses, the man had the gall to suggest we meet up!!! So, since I don’t really know how these things work, I’m ashamed to admit I agreed to do so, and date has been set for Wednesday after work (just coffee - I’m not even getting a free dinner out of this 
). So I’ve been trying to decide how to salvage some value out of this whole experience (I don’t think a $3 coffee will do it - though I guess I could get a brownie as well) … please to give suggestions on how to maximize amusement value. Possibilities:
- Actually pretend to be homely, fair, convent-educated sweet girl (the last two I technically am, and no - I am NOT homely). Could be fun - I’ll see if I can actually pull off enough soundbites about going to temples religiously (i.e. not just for prasad), and making the perfect aloo mutter … a challenge is always fun.
- When man asks me about cooking experience (which I’m sure he will), ask him about sexual experience, saying I’m concerned about being with someone who can’t keep up with me (have to confess this idea is stolen from friend who actually got asked the question)
- Be totally honest and discuss views on marriage as social contract, and with reduction of the need for external validation (which I’m actively working on), how the value of marriage would go down, and how the only reason I would consider getting married is because I think I’m a depreciating asset, and men are stupid enough to lock into a depreciating asset .. reaction might be amusing …
Anyway, at the least, I’ll miss rush hour traffic on the way back from work - just hope I don’t lose my parking spot …
Links:
Since you asked for suggestions:
a) Sit waiting in the coffee shop with your eyes bloodshot and your hands trembling uncontrollably; when he finally shows up, whisper furtively “have you got it? You know, the stuff.”
b) When he calls to confirm the date, tell him to meet you in the parking lot and be sure to have a large wad of unmarked bills in his wallet. Tell him he can recognise you by the black stocking you’ll be wearing over your head.
c) Break down and cry half way through the date. Tell him you’re really upset because Playboy rejected your portfolio. Again. (Preferably followed by a discussion of how your apartment is so hot you have to keep your panties in the icebox, delivered in a voice of throaty cluelessness)
d) Show up for the date with a large jerrycan and a shopping bag. You may not get much fun out of the date but at least you’ll get 5 litres of coffee and three dozen brownies.
e) Ask him how feels about threesomes
f) Give him a detailed synopsis of Doll’s House. Tell him how much you relate to the play
g) Combine the conversation about kids with the conversation about cooking. Say - I’m great with kids - my Baby a la mode was voted the dish of the year by the Fine Young Cannibals club.
h) Tell him you’re really desperate to get married BEFORE the pregnancy starts showing
i)Tell him you’re happy getting married, but that you’ll expect seperate bedrooms and that your ‘friend’ Anna will be living with you, naturally.
j) Tell him that before you’ll agree to marry him you need to see 1. The title deeds to his relatives house in Jersey 2. Sworn statements from five of their neighbours to the effect that they have been living there 3. Their New Jersey State driving licenses 4. Their NJ state tax returns going back the last 5 years.
Comment by Tire Easy As — July 19, 2005 @ 1:21 pm
MR, you’re strange. On the one hand ,you gleefully confess to not being the typical Indian girl and take great pains to tell us just how untraditional you are - eat beef, don’t visit temples, don’t watch movies unless they are Bergmans, read extensively, love theatre, think of marriage as a social contract etc etc. On the other hand, you meekly agree to this arranged marriage thing, that most traditional of Indian rituals, and can’t even tell your own parents to eff off which should be quite simple to do.
So much bluster my dear, does not become you. It reeks of trying too hard. When you’re cool, the world bores you.
Comment by Anonymous — September 20, 2005 @ 1:27 am
Didn’t see this comment until now … but anyway …
I’m not exactly agreeing to the arranged marriage thing - my parents do what makes them happy - i.e. their duty of trying to get me married, and I do what makes me happy, i.e. living my life the way I want. Not upsetting them where it’s of minimal cost to me is near pareto optimal, IMO - agreeing to meet random people qualifies, actually getting married based on one of those meetings doesn’t.
Comment by Administrator — September 30, 2005 @ 5:25 am